A Runners’ Guide to Ruining Your Family’s Holidays
Ah, the holidays. A time for love, a time for hate. If you’re a new runner, this is a great time to let everyone know about your most recent running accomplishments (sub-30 5k!), how good you feel (ALL.THE.TIME.), and the crazy fun new friends you’ve met through running. For seasoned runners, enjoy the tradition of being the celebrated weirdo in the family. Embrace it. Go all out. If you’re new and need a how-to, or if you’re old and need a refresher—here’s our guide on how to make sure you make the most of ruining your family’s time together.
- As most runners know, to really kick off the tradition of familial animosity during the holiday season, be sure to sign up as many non-willing family members for a Thanksgiving morning Turkey Trot. Ideally, this will be incredibly early in the morning, after a night of heavy drinking, and the temperature will be somewhere around freezing with a chance of rain. You, being a runner fresh off marathon season, will act like this is the pecan pie before the dinner. Everyone else will count this “marathon” as their charity time for the entire holiday season/year. Bonus points if you complain that the distance was 1/10th of a mile off.
- If your family doesn’t go the Turkey Trot route, go for a long run before everyone gets out of bed. Also before everyone gets out of bed— take a long, hot shower, long enough to use all the hot water in the house. Take a nap after too, just as everyone is getting ready to help out with Thanksgiving dinner. You just ran 10 miles— you deserve it.
- Tell everyone that more than anything in your life, you’re thankful for running.
- As much as possible, bring up your marathon training cycle over Thanksgiving Dinner. Everyone definitely wants to know that you nailed your Yassos at the right times, and the in-depth details of how many toenails you lost during the racing season. Casually drop “I mean I pretty much did a half marathon every weekend for eight weeks straight” as you’re passing the mashed potatoes. Be sure to scowl dumbfoundedly at your cousin when he expresses zero emotion that you ran a 7-minute PR on a hilly course with 80% humidity. Continue to explain the math and minute per mile pace until every last person has left the dining room.
- Foam roll in front of the TV while your family watches football and has to pretend their relative isn’t dry-humping the air for no good reason (because there is no good reason). Apply this to doing literally any warm-up in a room with other people present. Silver lining- it gives the kids something to Snapchat
- Ask Santa for the Nike Vaporfly 4%. Even though you just bought a pair last month. And the month before that.
- Judge everyone for going shopping on Black Friday instead of “opting outside.” Don’t forget to hashtag all the staged pictures of yourself trail running in a local state park five minutes off the interstate.
- Fill your kids’ stockings with Run Gum.
- Tell your spouse your New Year’s resolution is to run more marathons. Better yet, tell your spouse his/her New Year’s resolution should be to run a marathon.
- Be a ketogenic/carnivorian/pescatarian/vegan/whole-30 asshole.